This is an open letter to someone who I really care about, you know who you are once you read the letter. Over the past few days, I have been struggling with anxiety and worry. I feel that I am constantly running out of breath and my chest pains are resurfacing. I just feel that writing will probably help ease the pain. It's been a long time since I've updated this blog, this may or may not be for you but I believe that some of you may have been through a similar experience as me.



Dear you,


I recall the moment where you would stay up late and watch movies with me although I can see you falling asleep. You were denying it but I was right since I kept on looking at you while we were watching the movie, my fists were clenched the whole time because I think one of the characters was too dumb. It was a good time up until you fell asleep and I had to watch a sad movie all by myself while looking at an exhausted teenager dozing off.

You were one of the people I can comfortably talk to, I can talk to you about my freakishly disturbing nightmares about suicide and cry because of a sappy romcom although I have already watched it three times but I still cry while watching the airport scene all the time.

I remember you calling me drunk and laughing, you know that I laugh at everything especially at the wrong times, but while you were telling me one of your drunken stories, I guess you can sense that I felt numb. My hands were frozen, my eyes were fixated on a picture frame near my bed, I pitied you at that moment. It was so sad that you had to resort to alcohol just to temporarily numb the pain. I was up all night thinking about you, waiting for you to tell me that you're safe and home.


I feel sad, I wanted to help you but I feel like I'm just putting salt on the wound. At least I wanted to know if you've talked to someone about this because bottling up everything results to something much worse and I know for a fact that we both know how it feels.


Now that I am packing my bags just to stay somewhere far from London for a couple of days, I just wanted to tell you how I feel, I wanted to get everything off my chest so that I can finally breathe while I'm taking a really short hiatus. I always go overboard with my thoughts (so much so that I could be brooding), so the tendency is I always upset myself when I'm worrying too much about things.

You are constantly in my prayers and thoughts. I will always try to be here for you, but one thing for sure is that I can't handle too much and you know it...

Love always,
Leannel